life&death&everything in between

i'm taking the uncanny as my english literature course & the seminar today made me think about so so much weird/morbid stuff. mainly we were talking about hamlet (which by the way you can't read in 2 hours no matter how much you think you can) & ghosts & doubling & madness etc. but basically what hit me most is when you die, you become nothing in yourself. you simply are a memory, or rather several memories of everyone that has known you/has an opinion about you. that's not what i want!! i don't know anyone who really knows me entirely so i wouldn't exist wholly in death, if that even makes sense. & what about the people i've left with a bad impression? it's a bit like when people wrote about you in your school yearbook & put something like 'she's lovely & bubbly' because they didn't know what else to say. bubbly?!!? bubbly!!!?!!?
i don't even know how i'd be remembered in death. & they say that people are only truly remembered in writing. so in this blog? no thanks.
i wish i could write a novel. which moves me onto my next subject, my english tutor has written a novel! i went to this talk at uni this everning where he spoke about it & read a passage from it & he just amazes me. he's written that, & a whole book on the uncanny (which i REALLY want for my birthday - nicholas royle, please buy me it someone) & he knows so much. he's so well read & quotes from derrida & loads of other authors at the drop of a hat. when am i going to find the time to read all these things? i just want to read all the books & have all this knowledge & find out more & talk to people about it but there's no time! & most people are more well read than me so i feel really dumb when i talk about things within literature & film that interest me.
all i want is the time to spend in a good library & to go to interesting lectures & screenings & museums & events & learn!

it's be awesome if i had someone to do this with me but everyone seems too preoccupied with youth culture. knowledge is power & knowledge is love, but people are only interested in getting high & getting laid.
figures.