i'd really like to spend a day with one of those things that measures your heart rate/stress levels or whatever. you know when they have it on tv and are like women around shoes are suddenly like OMG BAM BAM BAM HEART UP FOR SHOES.
i mean more like because i think i have mad anxiety, but only when i'm alone in crowds. it's the most horrible thing. can't breathe feel sick everyone staring look like this look like that can't walk legs feel like stone concentrate concentrate step in front of the other fuck fuck fuck can't do it go home.
obviously i don't think i suffer from a real clinical issue i'm just a very self-conscious and self-aware person. and in a way i prefer being like that, even if it does often result in social awkwardness (note - this is often perceived as me being rude/sulky/up myself. INCORRECT!)
anyway i was also thinking how are we supposed to act around strangers? i mean like in the street do you keep your head down and walk fast? do you smile at everyone? awkward eye contact? do people even look at other people? i spent the entire bus ride home from work yesterday in love with the dreadlocked man sitting opposite me but did not look him in the eyes once. i can't. and anyway are you allowed to? what happens if you do? social interaction with strangers, and particularly those blessed with a perfectly defined face/amazing hair/dreamy eyes combo is confusing. he got on a different train to me after the bus ride so the love affair ended there. or rather never began.
the last few weeks have been nice. my new job is challenging i.e. actually using my brain for once and not finding it completely easy and boring. which is good for me even if i hated that at first. me and simone have been having awesome friday night sleepovers, cooking platters of food for just us, watching films, sushi on coogee beach under moonlight, byo cafe dinner, coffee mornings, out west op shopping, hours in vinnies, very important life discussions about travelling and europe and boys who can skate. also met up with a few old friends/work colleagues. and met a few nice new people too. all very low key since the mad january/february plans and birthday extravaganzas but i've enjoyed it. looking forward to: seeing michael cera live in theatre next wednesday with jenny, farewell bbq, 90s night, finally getting to dance in goodgodsmall club, bloody mary sunday session, liverpool op shopping, easter weekend in jervis bay, vivid live sydney (karen o please please please can i get tickets this week!) ...
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