three weeks ago i had my first full blown panic attack. i could kind of sense it coming on - i'm a very anxious person, i worry about inconsequential things and constantly judge myself based on what i think others could be thinking, even strangers. it's ridiculous and a lot of stress. i wasn't even aware what was happening - i was at work and trying to take calls from customers and just remember not being able to breathe. everything felt echoey and my ears were vibrating and my entire body just started shaking. i felt out of control and wondered if i needed to go to hospital but didn't want to make a scene so tried to get a hold of myself. this resulted in having to run to reception and shout I CAN'T BREATHE before collapsing on the floor. it took half an hour to get my breath back and an hour to stop shaking, i felt every part of me would never stop trembling. it was horrible and i felt stupid and couldn't explain why. i paid 60 dollars for a doctor to tell me 'oh you've had a panic attack' (duh) then ask if i had a boyfriend/if i was happy (as if those two things go hand in hand).
i went home and ate seaweed salad in bed watching films and wondering if i would ever stop feeling weak and scared and ashamed and that maybe i'd have to go back to england. or maybe i was going mental. the next few days were hard but i went to work and normality returned. no one said anything about it, not a word and i was grateful.
anyway the point of this all was not to be a depressing shit because after that i realised i need to chill the fuck out and relax. perfect timing with easter weekend! simone, jenny, danny, eddy & i took a trip to visit benny at his home in jervis bay. i discovered that the south coast is dangerously beautiful and that my friends are dangerously brilliant. we spent the weekend shouting SPRING BREAK, drinking on a deck looking out onto marshland at 3pm, annoying the locals trying to watch sport (in fairness we were completely unaware of their presence 5 rounds in), dancing, wine, groping but not in a gross sexy way, bodies on bed (again not in a gross sexy way), spooning, amazing hangover brunches, passing out, laughing hysterically, girl what's yo name?, sunbathing, swimming, letting our gills breathe, heart to hearts, secret confessions met with the same secret confessions - much to our joy, a campfire for roasting marshmallows, vegetarian mexican dinner, body shots, box tattoo pact, angry bees, meet and greet with a storm trooper walking from perth to sydney down the highway, stimming punctuating a lost highway moment hurtling down the woods, kangaroos in the garden, regballs, the perfect host (i love you ben) and the perfect friends (i love you guys).
it was amazing and sunshiney and glorious and i can't believe how a week went from being so awful to so incredible but i'm happy it did. easter monday we got to see stimming live (incredible!!!) so much dancing plus we met him (scared him) and he gave us his beer (ben stole it out of his hand and poured it into all our glasses..) hurrah!!
the last week has mainly been about gossip girl in bed (xoxo), actually writing properly again, twin shadow's album on repeat for fucking ever SO GOOD, two morning swims at coogee ladies baths which is basically a haven for women it's so cleansing and no one judges anyone's bodies they just let them be, being mermaids on the rocks, reading in the park, discovering that everything is illuminated is possibly the best book ever, working with jenny in her office - forest music oof, brunching with my ladies, wearing flip flops in the rain and huge flowery trousers to work and loving it all so much.
the point is, for every cloud there's a silver lining and sometimes you need a storm to happen before you realise that you can stop it from happening again. or at least just watch it from a box with a glass ceiling, protected by flowers and a unicorn... :)
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