FEAR

i feel like my life right now is just pervaded by fear no matter how happy i am.

fear of travelling again.
fear of being alone in asia.
fear of asia in general.
fear of mosquitos.
fear of our flight to melbourne being cancelled.
fear of leaving my best friends in australia.
fear of not reconnecting with my old ones.
fear of no home.
fear of no job.
fear of not being able to travel after this.
fear of normal life.
fear of age.
fear of dying. dying overules fear of age but kind of only marginally.
fear of watching myself get uglier.
fear of seeing other people change.
fear of how much my face will sag considering my cheeks already look like j edgar hoover's.
fear of vanity/society getting the better of me.
fear of never finding love.
fear of finding love and then telling him i don't want children which i'm sure is a dealbreaker for most people.
fear of ever being pregnant somehow.
fear of losing my eyesight.
fear of losing my mind.
fear of forgetting.
fear of that horrifying man i walked past last night who walked like that monster from agh real monsters with his eyes in his hands and i wanted to cry.
fear of the world ending.
fear of what the future holds if the world doesn't end.
fear of gaining weight.
fear of my own eating habits.
fear of not seeing my parents ever again.
fear of my cat dying before i get home (he's real old! :( )
fear of what the hell do we do next.
fear of anxiety.
fear of having another panic attack ever again.
fear of packing my bags next week.
fear of anything ever happening to any of my friends.
fear of not seeing them again.
fear of training the new girl at work next week.
fear of responsibility.
fear of being in debt.
fear of people's opinions about me.
fear of cockroaches.
fear of not being able to curl up in my own big bed at night as of next week.
fear of being like i was before.
fear of being different.

basically there's about a million things constantly going through my mind i can't even focus on them, it's mostly that i'm scared because as soon as i leave sydney i haven't got a fucking clue what's going on. ever. again. i am lame. i am anxious. but i am happy and it's my mum's birthday and she told me she's the happiest she's ever been, which makes me even more happy.

aw happy birthday mum. IM COMIN' HOME. soon. ish.